As I was on my way home... all I could do was cry! My body is doing it again... it is not cooperating... it is not contracting or preparing for this baby as I think it should! With Evelyn I was all closed up at my 40 week appointment and I just dreaded a repeat of last time! When I got home I got hit hard with a fever, body aches, and a headache. I had come down with Hand Foot Mouth from my sisters... and all of a sudden I went from get this baby out to baby stay in while we kick this thing! I am seriously on the roller coaster of my life as far as emotions go... you really don't know what Katie you are going to be faced with! So that was Wednesday and by Sunday I was finally feeling better only to have Evelyn start getting low grade fevers... and ornery! It won't go away! So Evelyn is now just coming off of it... I think she just had the weariness, low grade fevers, sore throat, and sores on her bottom. I go to bed last night and Andy turns to me and says, "I think I have a sore in my mouth... and it is not a canker sore or cold sore." GREAT! So now we wait and see if we are truly over this domino effect illness.
Being sick, uncomfortably pregnant, taking care of a busy toddler who is sick as well, a husband avoiding gluten for stomach issues, still looking for a house... it all can get to be so very overwhelming!! And my heart was pretty nasty about all of it! I DESERVE for people to feel sorry for me... I DESERVE for people to be nice to me... do I really?! Oh no... not at all! I deserve the opposite! So through the last few weeks of trying to keep my head up and finish this pregnancy out strong I could feel the pull of the Holy Spirit asking me "Katie, where is your joy? You have a house over your head... a thriving toddler... a hard working, loving husband... you have a healthy baby growing inside you... and you have food in your belly! And yet... you are still searching for joy!" I have been thinking about that a lot lately... Just where is my joy and what is the source of it!
I will come back to that thought... As I have been thinking about labor and going through it all over again... I have struggled and struggled... I have woken up in the middle of the night with my mind racing of how I am going to cope with it... I fall asleep without even realizing that I am playing scenarios in my head. No wonder I am exhausted!! So lately I have been thinking about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, as "being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground." That is my Savior... mourning over taking MY SIN (your sin) to the cross of calvary and knowing that his father would turn his back on him! It really has been mind blowing for me to think about... as I know that my hour of sorrow is coming... the hour(s) when I endure great pain in order to bring life in the end as my Savior did for me! And yet, I know that my father will not turn his back on me... that he will not leave me or forsake me during that time! It really brings a new light to the Cross and what Christ endured, to the point he would sweat blood knowing that his Father would turn his face from him!
Being sick this past week, we were not able to make it to church but I listened to my Pastor's sermon online last night and was amazed at how it fit with what the Lord has been trying to work into my heart! He spoke on John 16:16-24, the passage on how our sorrow will turn into joy! That the reason our sorrow can become joy is because of the Gospel, because of what Christ accomplished on the cross for US!
Verses 20-22 "Truly, truly, I say to you you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remember the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no will take your joy from you!"
What an amazing passage!!! Our sorrow can be turned into joy because our greatest problem, our sin, has been taken care of on the cross... that for a while we mourned, and we do mourn as we await his return, and yet our joy will be made complete! We can rest in that joy NOW because we know that we serve a God who is faithful to his promises... he is never late! I just thought this passage was just so fitting as I have 9 days left before my due date! She will come when she is ready so there is no way of really knowing when... but I hope that as I endure to the end that I continue to think about the significance of what I am enduring... and what I will experience when I hold my precious daughter in my arms! May it bring me to my knees before my Savior... clinging to him and praising him for what he went through for me! The sorrow he endured when his father turned his face away and the joy that came when defeated the grave... all on account of me!
20 Weeks
28 Weeks
33 Weeks
36 Weeks
No comments:
Post a Comment