So it has been... well... 14 weeks since I have updated on here! Crazy! I am now 32.5 weeks with Baby Girl #2! We have since sold our townhouse out of no where and are now living out in Webster, MN with the wonderful Lubinski's! We have been so blessed by them opening their basement to us and are so thankful for their generous hearts!
I will just be completely honest with you though... I have never been in such a battle for joy in my life!! The uncertainty of not knowing where we will be and being a half hour from my family and everything I am familiar to has been so so difficult! Everyday I have to battle my flesh and to focus on "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things!" Philippians 4:8 What a battle it is! I know this may not be the most encouraging post... but I want to share my heart with you and to record where I am at now so that I can see how the Lord uses it to prune me and to see where he leads us! Because I "remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13.
Andy & I both are just in this awkward stage. We can't seem to kick the laziness and we both have a hard time feeling like we can really relax and spend time together and enjoy each other! It has been such an odd phenomenon!
We are having NO luck finding any houses right now... there is not a huge rush because we know that things are only going to get crazier in 7.5 more weeks! But we are praying hard-core that the Lord provides a home for us before baby... to at least have found a home and to be in the process of closing! It is just really discouraging to look and see what is on the market and find that nothing is out there! We sent our realtor a list of 5 houses that we wanted to look at... ALL of them had offers in on them already! Which is fine... because we know the Lord has a home out there somewhere... but the emotional roller coaster that goes with it just gets exhausting and makes us nervous to find something we like only to be left discouraged! Everyone keeps telling us "You guys are in a great place right now! You don't have a house to sell so you can jump on whatever comes about and move fast!" which is true... but it is extremely exhausting as well to not feel at home... we are missing just feeling settled and we miss our dog Samson like crazy!!! Evelyn has lost her best friend temporarily... :-(
But I know that this truly is a great spot to be in... we are learning where we find our comfort & joy... and it is extremely convicting in that sense! This world is not our home... and we are not to feel "comfortable" here... it is just too easy in suburban America to feel that way!! So I have been reading through Deuteronomy to just really hear what Moses is telling the People in the wilderness... and it has been a great time of searching out where my heart is at... do I truly love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind to the point that with no home... and being so unsettled... that He is enough for me!? Is he big enough and good enough for me!? It has reminded me of his GRACE as we don't deserve ANYTHING and yet God desires to bless his children... ABUNDANTLY! When he already has through what he did on the cross for us!
Deuteronomy 8:2-10
And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years. Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the Lord your God disciplines you. So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.
Our tummies are still full... our thirst is quenched... our clothes have not wore out (although they are only getting tighter ;-)) ... the Lord is taking care of us! He is guiding us in this wilderness!!! I so desire to not be like the Israelites grumbling and complaining in the wilderness but I so understand why they did...
Also, I have this beautiful gift growing inside of me... this beautiful little girl!! And yet... I have also struggled to be joyful in this as well... as I find myself struggling for joy as a result of being terrified to go through labor again! My labor with Evelyn was so long and tedious... it was so extremely frustrating and so not want I expected/desired for labor to be like. In the end it was wonderful and beautiful and I soon forgot the heartache, pain, and frustration of it all when she was in my arms... but now I sit here looking at this belly knowing she has to come out somehow and the fear of the unknown looks me in the face again... I know this little girl is a blessing and I know she will be worth it! But being 45 minutes away from the hospital and having an almost 18 month old to think about.... its just all so overwhelming! So I pray that I test negative for Group B Strep and that the Lord gives me the grace and the strength I need to accomplish the task at hand! That my body does what God created it to do and that I do not have to be induced this time (especially for 2 days) like I did last time! I trust the Lord will give me the birth he sees fit and I need to rest in that and remember that he is the Deliverer! That he is the sustainer!! He is a good Shepherd and he will take care of me!
So, friends.. this is the real me right now! This is what the inside of my heart looks like right now and I would appreciate ALL the prayers I can get!
May this be my heart--
Psalm 34:1
I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
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